| My wife, God love her, has a problem. Ordinarily, she is | | | | scenario my wife would be Dennis Rodman.I recently |
| a wonderful woman, always kind to animals and small | | | | witnessed an actual yardsale. It wasn't as frightening |
| children, friendly with the neighbors, loved by one and | | | | as participating in a snake handling or going to my |
| all. But every Saturday morning, just after sun up, | | | | mother-in-law's for dinner, but it was pretty close.This |
| something happens to her, something horrible! She | | | | was a joint venture, make that misadventure, between |
| becomes an ugly, vicious, salivating, clawing thing! No, | | | | my wife and sister, the Lucy and Ethel of the yardsale |
| she's not a werewolf, but that's a pretty good guess. If | | | | set. As men, I don't think we really know our wives until |
| only it were something a silver bullet could cure (or a | | | | we see them in the yardsale setting. What I saw was |
| case of Silver Bullets, for that matter).Her problem is | | | | educational, indeed.What follows is an excerpt from |
| no mere sickness of the blood, my friends. Hers is a | | | | the research paper I am writing on this experience. I'll |
| sickness of the mind, the spirit and the body. It's an | | | | submit the finished text to the South Hampton Institute |
| all-encompassing affliction, kind of the same thing you'd | | | | of Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological |
| get the morning after downing the aforementioned | | | | Department when it's finished. Or I may just send it to |
| case of Silver Bullets, I suppose.This curse is | | | | Paul Harvey, I haven't decided yet. Anyway, here's the |
| called...Yardsalitis! (Please imagine an ominous musical | | | | excerpt:"And just who are these pathetic souls who |
| burst here)If you laugh it's only because you haven't | | | | can not live without their weekly fix of mismatched |
| been exposed to this disease. Be warned, Yardsalitis is | | | | Tupperware and decapitated Barbie Dolls? Usually, |
| everywhere and spreading fast! There are different | | | | and this may be totally hormonal within the species, |
| levels of this disease and if caught early it can be | | | | they are women. The only men present were the |
| cured. To help you identify a person with Yardsalitis, let | | | | ones whose wives dragged them along to hold their |
| me detail the various stages for you.First, there are the | | | | purses while they (the women) clawed through boxes |
| SY's (Social Yardsalers), those who only partake | | | | of Beanie Babies and tried on used shoes that were |
| occasionally and usually do so with a group of their | | | | three sizes too small. These are the same men often |
| peers. These are the lightweights of the game. They | | | | seen loitering about the women's underwear section at |
| do it to look cool, to fit in, not because they have an | | | | Wal-Mart, holding purses and looking appropriately |
| overpowering need to prowl through other people's | | | | dumbfounded. Not even the prettiest of women on the |
| junk.Then come the RY's (Recreational Yardsalers). | | | | pink brassiere labels can pull them from this |
| This group considers yardsaling a fun, harmless | | | | funk."Scientifically speaking, this is a whole 'nother |
| pastime. The first symptom of this stage is denial. "I | | | | culture. People were gathering in the driveway at 6 |
| ain't hurting nobody!" is the slogan of the RY's. RY's will | | | | a.m., though the signs Subjects A and B (Lucy and |
| go yardsaling if the weather's nice and they've nothing | | | | Ethel) plastered all over the neighborhood clearly |
| better to do on a Saturday morning. They can live | | | | stated that 7 a.m was the start time. It was like that |
| without it, but they'd rather live with it.Things begin to | | | | movie 'Night of the Living Dead,' where the dead are |
| get ugly as the disease progresses to the next level, | | | | stumbling across the field toward the farmhouse |
| known as "Progressive Yardsalitis." This is the most | | | | where the non-dead, that would be the living, are holed |
| pathetic group because they teeter on the brink of the | | | | up. Staggering along they come, arms outstretched, |
| final stage. They feel the need to get up at the crack | | | | fingers wiggling, a glazed look in their eyes. |
| of dawn on Saturday morning and hit the streets, | | | | "Quaaaaarter," they moan. "Will you take a quarterrrrr..." |
| sniffing out the proverbial "good deal" like crack | | | | |
| addicted bloodhounds. But when that high subsides and | | | | End of excerpt. |
| reality returns, they regret paying $200 for a | | | | And therein lies the true art of the deal: it's not how |
| Tickle-Me-Elmo that their kids aren't allowed to touch. | | | | much you spent on that Flowbee with the missing |
| Most have no memory of the actual purchase. They | | | | attachments, but how much you talked them down |
| claim to just wake up with their bargain in | | | | from the asking price. This is called "Yardsalanomics," a |
| hand.Devastated, they vow "never again," but it's a | | | | theory of economics not even Donald Trump can |
| hollow oath. Sure, there are those who can go weeks | | | | explain. The crux of Yardsalanomics is this: it's not how |
| without getting a fix. But relapse is imminent. They | | | | much you pay, it's how much you don't pay.Only an |
| know it, their families know it, and those cruel souls | | | | idiot pays the asking price. Ask my wife.To be fair, she |
| having the yardsales know it."We got what you need," | | | | is trying hard to break her addiction. She just joined the |
| is the mantra of the yardsale pusher.Finally, hope is | | | | local chapter of Yardsalaholics Anonymous. YA is a |
| abandoned and the call of the deal must be answered. | | | | "make a profit if you can" group that meets in |
| The afflicted becomes a full-fledged Yardsalaholic. | | | | members' garages every Saturday morning for |
| This is the category my lovely wife falls into. She is the | | | | fellowship and support. Unlike most addiction programs, |
| High Priestess of the Open Garage Door. She is | | | | however, YA has only nine steps.It used to have |
| Conan the Yardsalian!Like a gunslinger in Dodge City, a | | | | twelve, but my wife talked them down.From "Small |
| champion yardsaler has to be quick of hand and have | | | | Business Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| the peripheral vision of an iguana. And you can't be | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, author, |
| afraid to get in there and fight for what you want, | | | | speaker, and radio show host. |
| either. There's more elbowing at a table covered with | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize |
| Beanie Babies than under the hoop at the NBA | | | | their business dreams. |
| playoffs! These women are vicious, and in this | | | | |