| Your mother-in-law says something that feels like:a) a | | | | examples of responses that aim to employ the Aikido |
| put down,b) painful criticism,c) intrusive advice,d) an | | | | principle to discharge the energy of the attack and turn |
| insult,e) a crazy woman speaking. | | | | the conversation in a more fruitful direction: |
| Will you yell, sneer, show anger or leave the room? Do | | | | 1. Substitute curiosity for resistance. "Hmmm, you think |
| you cry, sulk or put on a wounded dog look? Are you | | | | (repeat the offending comment). Tell me why you think |
| sarcastic, aggressive or just stubbornly silent? These | | | | that way since I know your son (or daughter) doesn't |
| responses may seem reasonable, but another | | | | think that way at all." |
| approach may be more effective. You could refuse to | | | | 2. Acknowledge difference and explore it. "It seems, |
| respond to aggression with aggression. You could, odd | | | | that we have different values. That isn't good or bad, it |
| as it may sound, practice the principles of Aikido. | | | | is just different. Can we learn to accept our |
| Aikido, one of the martial arts, is a way of defending | | | | differences?" |
| oneself while also protecting the attacker from injury. | | | | 3. Give honor and ask to be honored. "I respect your |
| The word Aikido, Wikipedia says, may be translated | | | | life since from it has come the person I have chosen |
| as "the Way of harmonious spirit." | | | | to marry. Now I ask you to respect the way we live |
| Okay, you may be wondering why you want to | | | | our lives. We want you in our life, but we need you to |
| protect from harm someone who just insulted you. | | | | allow us to make choices that are right for us without |
| Unless your mother-in-law really is a crazy woman, | | | | feeling judged or criticized. When we need your good |
| there is a good chance that her statement has less to | | | | advice, I promise we will ask." |
| do with you than with her. Some hurt she holds within | | | | 4. Frame the conversation you wish to have. "You |
| her may prompt her disagreeable behavior. The odds | | | | know, I so much want to have a good relationship with |
| are quite good that while the hurt may have been | | | | you. I know it matters to your daughter (or son), but it |
| triggered by you, it was not caused by you. | | | | matters to me as well. Can we discuss what we need |
| Mother-in-law behavior that seems inexplicable may | | | | to do to make that happen because we are not |
| arise from inappropriate assumptions about the way | | | | headed in that direction now?" |
| the world should be. When the world does not back | | | | In an upsetting moment, it can be hard to gather our |
| her up, your mother-in-law may feel hurt and blame | | | | wits, find our voice and respond without |
| you. Never mind whether this is fair or not, it is a reality | | | | defensiveness. If we feel hit, the natural urge is fight or |
| you have to deal with. So how you can deal with it in a | | | | flight. But with a bit of mental preparation and some |
| way that does the least damage to both of you? | | | | deep breaths, it is possible to turn the discussion to |
| Aikido is not turning the other cheek or passively | | | | good end. To do so, we have to be able to "go to the |
| ignoring the intention to harm. Rather, it invites | | | | balcony," that is, to rise above what is happening on |
| engagement--an engagement that turns the attacker's | | | | the ground, watch it with a distance that gives us |
| momentum to your benefit. Here is a way to | | | | some perspective and decide how to respond with |
| understand the concept: You push me, I push back. | | | | our evolved brain, not our mammalian brain. |
| We are locked in a pushing match. Instead, if you push | | | | Will trying to follow Aikido principles always work? |
| me, I step to the side. I use no energy, and you are | | | | Probably not, but there is a very good chance that it |
| suddenly off-balance. | | | | can improve the dynamic and produce better behavior |
| How can we step aside or use the force of her | | | | on all sides. When we speak authentically to one |
| attack to turn the mother-in-law in a different direction? | | | | another, when we speak with love and not fear or |
| How might Aikido offer a more productive way of | | | | anxiety, we can truly communicate, not just send |
| dealing with hurtful comments? Here are a few | | | | words in each other's direction. |