| How many times have you found yourself in an | | | | inconvenienced when they do it to you). |
| argument you didn’t want to be in? You were | | | | Make your answer totally impersonal. Do not make |
| somehow drug into an argument about something you | | | | eye contact. Keep your voice an even mono tone as |
| couldn’t care less about, and now you don’t | | | | if you are distracted. Come back with: “That is so |
| know how to get out of it and move on. | | | | annoying.” Or “No one wants to drink warm |
| There are three fundamental elements to effective | | | | pop”. If you can think of a long boring story, even |
| verbal self defense: | | | | better! “I think it has something to do with something |
| First, listening without leaping to conclusions. That takes | | | | that happened to me as a kid. We had this refrigerator |
| practice! Often when people start talking to us our | | | | that didn’t have a lot of room. It was the ugliest |
| mind is zooming off on its own tangent- predicting the | | | | green color you ever saw, but my mom loved that |
| next words before they are even out of their mouth. | | | | color……….” And keep going on until they get |
| Second, try to understand what’s really going on. | | | | tired of listening and wander off. |
| When someone attacks you verbally, try to not react | | | | The message you are delivering is that you know they |
| in the same manner. Stay calm, let it roll off of you. Is | | | | want to argue, but you are not interested in that game. |
| this someone familiar to you who just had a bad day? | | | | Verbal Self Defense to Avoid Violence |
| Or is it some one who is a chronic verbal abuser? | | | | Say you are confronted by an adult bully threatening |
| Third, know how to respond. The three standard | | | | to beat you to a pulp for some minor infraction. There |
| responses are: Attacking back, pleading, debating. | | | | are things you need to understand about this kind of |
| These are all strategic errors. | | | | person. Violence is an option for him. He is not a |
| Verbal abusers fall into two categories: | | | | stranger to violence as you hopefully are. These |
| 1. Klutzes: They are ignorant of any other way to | | | | people are trapped in their own little world of warped |
| communicate with people. | | | | perceptions, chronic anger and paranoia. They are |
| 2. They are desperate for attention and use this | | | | obsessed by what other people think of them. They |
| method to engage people. | | | | cannot show weakness. They are hyper-sensitive to |
| Knowing this your reaction can change from | | | | insults and loss of respect. |
| reactionary anger to compassion. You don’t have | | | | You must try to de-escalate the situation by following |
| to like the person, but at least you should be less | | | | these three rules: |
| interested in arguing with them. | | | | Do not challenge him. |
| What should your response be? Walking away or | | | | Do not insult him |
| even ignoring them will not discourage them. Either | | | | Give him a face saving exit |
| way they feel that they have won and they will be | | | | This may involve apologizing and graveling, but |
| back for more. | | | | remember you are doing it so it won’t involve blood. |
| When they start and argument, don’t take the bait! | | | | If you have managed to talk your way out of the |
| Perhaps it starts like this, “Why do you always take | | | | situation, do not try to get in the last word! |
| the last can of pop from the fridge and I have to drink | | | | Verbal self defense does not mean taking your |
| warm pop and refill the fridge?” (By the way, this is | | | | opponent down with words, it means using words to |
| often a perception they have since they are not | | | | get out of situations safely. |