[Conflict Resolution] The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation

Is there now, or has there been, a person or two inof exchange, both parties to the conflict lose the
your life that you have difficulty in maintaining a civilpossibility of acquiring information that might offer
relationship with at times? It may be your spouse orgenerative solutions that either side has yet to think of.
lover; it may be a friend or a superior at work. WeWe lose the possibility of understanding that in some
usually say "I have a love-hate relationship with thisimportant way, our limited range of thinking tends to
person."make both of us somehow "wrong." Or, to say it
Fight OR Flight; Attack OR Evade; Right OR Wrong;another way, we fail to realize that "We are both, both
All OR Nothing; Win OR Lose - all are a form of whatwrong and right, at the same time." We lose touch with
we can call "The Philosophy of Fear andthe fact that given new sources of information, both of
Confrontation." When we believe that a potentialus might come to a different opinion.
outcome has only two possible alternatives we comeOften, the first step in successful conflict resolution
from a place of scarcity thinking and invariably add arequires that you acknowledge that your philosophy of
good deal of stress to the system being addressedfear and confrontation limits your ability to notice how
and limit what is possible.a different way of thinking and a different way of
In every interpersonal conflict both sides wind upusing your body, would lead to a much wider field of
wounded, albeit one side perhaps more than the other.possibilities.
Whenever a person feels that you must be wrong inFor the average person, the more you feel attacked,
order for me to be right, we invariably denigrate notthe more you will look to defend. The more you look
only the other person's point of view, but their overallto defend, the more you narrow your field of vision,
character as well. We move away from attacking thetighten up various muscle groups, and limit the flow of
issues at hand, and get involved in attacking eachblood and oxygen in your system. And guess what
other. Arguing between right and wrong is often simplyhappens at such times. When my adversary notices
an excuse to prove myself somehow superior to you.that I am preparing to defend, he perceives instead
"With my superior insight, with my superior intellect andthat I am preparing to attack him. What does he do in
knowledge, with my superior position in the world, I lookthis instance? Why the very same thing that I am
to show you how your perception of reality isdoing! He tenses up and prepares for the worst. In this
incorrect." When I think of you and your opinions asmoment of entering into mortal combat we get swept
being somehow inferior to me and my opinions, it is noaway by the vortex of fear and confrontation that is
wonder that you are not willing to agree with thebeing generated by the both of us. When we react
opinions I put forth. In order to agree with my opinions,from this place of "high alert" on a regular basis, we
you would have to be willing to believe that you arequickly wind up weakening our immune system, and
somehow inferior to me.severely limit our ability to defend ourselves from the
When engaging in conflict resolution with others,onslaught of physical and emotional disease. In Aikido
staying locked into grappling between one of twothis leads us to say that "The best defense is no
possible outcomes requires that we both shut downdefense," which is another way of saying "The less
our ability to notice additional alternative realities. Whendefensive you are, the better able you are to defend
two individuals are locked into a confrontational modeyourself.